New Developments =)

Just like I promised I would keep you up to date with everything that's going on with me and LJ. Well you'll be happy to know we're together now, but unofficially. The unofficial part is kind of a bummer, but it's understandable since we only have a month left of school and he lives in Texas while I'll be in Florida. Anyways, I bet your wondering how all it went down.

Well we had been flirting for about 3 weeks or so and remember how ND asked me out? He had a part in getting things to be jump started. This past weekend I was performing at the Museum of Art, as stated in one of my previous posts, and LJ knew I was doing that. He arranged for a way to show up and surprise me. And boy did he! I ended up messing up when he first passed by me. Thank God he didn't see me! Eventually he passed by me, and acted like he didn't see me when I know good and well he did. Any who, later that night we ended up at the same party and he came back to my room with me. Nothing really happened besides us talking and falling asleep together. While we were talking it was brought up about how he wants us to be together and how he's not going to hook up with any other girl for the rest of the year. Longer story short, we're unofficial now and he has been staying with me every night since Saturday. Tonight's the first night that he hasn't been here and I'm feeling kinda lonely. Especially since I just got used to having someone in the bed with me again.

And I'm the one that's immature?

I absolutely hate it when someone gets pissed at you for something that really isn't your fault. It's not that I took the easy way out or anything, but I just took the option that made more sense. This statement comes after I received a couple of messages on facebook where a guy told me, "GO FUCK YOURSELF" and also called me a "Flaky teenage girl". This might seem bad, but what's even worse is that I can kind of see where he's coming from.

The story behind all this is that I was supposed to sublet from this guy from my school. At first everything seemed great, but then there was the issue of if I was going to be able to have the money for it. I was up front and honest about everything to him, and he had told me that he was going to keep looking for other people to sublet from him. Since he made that statement I started looking for other places to live and I got a better offer. I apologized to him about 15 times about everything and he still writes me some nasty things about me. The worst part is he doesn't even know me all that well.

UGH!!! This just pisses me off when people who don't even know me that well say shit like that. I probably won't get too much sleep tonight because of this, and the best part is I have a mid term exam in the morning!!! Can you say FML!!

Last Weekend at the Museum of Art!

This is a bitter sweet moment when something that you've been working so hard on is finally over. I'm really excited that it basically went extremely well, so far, and that this is the last weekend that I will be performing for the Museum. At the same time, I'm going to miss everything.

On a side note, things with LJ are looking up! =) I'll keep you posted.

My how things have changed

I've been super busy with a performance my school is doing for an art museum, and haven't had much time for anything. But when I do have some down time I usually go play volleyball on the campus with a whole bunch of random people. I really do suck at volleyball, but not as much as when I first started. I'm also getting to meet some people that I wouldn't have met otherwise. So it's a win-win situation.

And some interesting things have happened, I really like this one guy, LJ, he's an actor at my school, he has a really nice body, he's really smart and sweet, and Jewish. Now I'm not Jewish, but for some reason I have a thing for Jewish boys. I've dated 3 in my life time so far. I'm really not quite sure what to do, like if I should take a risk and see if he wants to go out or something. I'm just scared that if I put my neck out there I'll get blown off again. I probably deserve that though since I've blown off so many people in my life. The fact is it's karma and there's nothing you can do about it. Honestly, I'm not really wanting to be in a relationship again right now. Especially after the year I had. But if LJ asks me out I won't say no ;)

Stuck

Things keep getting harder. And every time they do, it makes me miss having a boyfriend all the more. I miss the uncomplicated part; you know the part in a new relationship where both sides are sweet and everything seems perfect. But honestly, I don't want a relationship just for that, I really miss everything about it. The loving and caring parts at least. I really just need to know that someone close to me has my back and is there supporting me. I know my family is there and so are my friends back home, but at the same time they are 3 states away from me.

I just feel like no matter how hard I try I always end up back in this place.

Tough Times

Things have gotten worse since the last time I wrote. My cousin (Craig) is slipping further and further away from us. I'm kind of upset with my mom right now too. She was visiting me this weekend and told me that she and my dad went to go see my cousin this past Monday. So when I talked to her on Monday she lied about everything she was doing. She says it was to keep me focused on my school work, but she of all people should know that I'm the type of person who likes to see people one last time before they pass away. Now, I'm not going to have that opportunity, and it's killing me. I know I'm going to regret not going to see him, but at the same time I can see where she's coming from. We both saw my grandparents go through this and it was awful to see them in so much pain. So I can respect why my mom doesn't want me to see Craig. It's just unsettling to know that probably the next time I see him will be at his funeral. This thought has made me break down so many times since I found out how bad Craig is.

Even though it seems like it's hard on me, it's worse for my dad. I've only seen him cry once in my entire life; my mom said that including Monday she's only seen him cry 3 times. If my dad cries you know things are bad. So like I said last time, I'm pretty much in a state where I don't know what to do. Any advice would be great.

A Little Add On

Have you ever experienced a time where you really miss being able to cuddle or talk to someone about anything and everything? Well that's what I'm feeling right now. Even though I have so many friends around me there's just one thing missing, that one person who knows so much about me and can make me laugh from just one look.

Maybe this is evoked from all the recent happenings (mostly bad), but I still can't help but to feel helpless and alone. I have no clue what to do. The only guys that are around me and are straight either don't want anything, aren't my type, are players, or have a girlfriend already. I think I have bad timing for everything.

Is everything complicated to show how much of a fool we really are?

Emotional Pain

There are many things in life that I just don't understand. For instance, when you get really close to someone, whether or not they're in your family, they either leave or die. Right now, I'm experiencing the latter. Unfortunately one of my family members was diagnosed with cancer at the beginning of the year. He was given a year to live, but after his first chemotherapy treatment he had to be put on morphine and Hospice was called. I feel so bad because my mom, dad, and I were supposed to go up to see him for Thanksgiving (this was before we knew he had cancer) but we didn't go because I wanted to be home with my mom's side of the family. Now I'm really regretting not going, and I'm also trying to figure out how to see him before he passes.

It might seem like I won't have a problem doing this, but the thing is I had lost a family member at the beginning of the school year and I took two days off then. So asking for more time off from school seems like I just don't want to be here, which isn't the case at all. I love being at my school, it's just things happen that are out of my control and I really hope my teachers see that. The other thing is my schedule is about to get really crazy (this Sunday is my last Sunday off until May) and I don't want to miss anything important by going to his service, when I would really rather go and see him alive.

This isn't the first time that I've had to deal with losing someone from cancer in my life. I lost my Grandmother when I was in 4th grade. I think you remember that one post about my grandparents so I don't really need to explain everything all over again.

I'll keep you updated on all the happenings.