Little things that give me hope

So today I was in the car with my mom (she came up to help me move out of my dorm and to see me dance) and the song Bless the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts came on. I absolutely love that song and I hadn't heard it in a while, and it came on on the perfect day. LJ and I had a serious talk last night and it got pretty emotional. Not the "I love you" type because like I said in a previous post, we're not your usual couple. Anyways, as I was singing along (poorly I might add)it hit me that everything in life happens for a reason. I know that's been said millions of times, but for some reason it just clicked MAJORLY this time. I wish I could elaborate more on what happened that just made this perfect.....actually I can a little bit.

LJ was telling me a story about how he suffered quite a few horrific break ups. Fortunately, I've only had one, but that's for another time. He told me none of the relationships he's ever been in have ever lasted more than a month. I feel really bad about that since things with us are ending on Thursday (mutual agreement by the two of us....long distance especially over summer is WAYY to hard). But it just sucks because I really want to be with him, but I know it's going to be better this way. Wow....I got off topic. Anyway, how his story relates to the song is, even though I know when he hears it he won't be thinking of me (although I would like him to be) hopefully it will give him the same insight that it gave me. No matter how bad relationships are/end they are always a step in the right direction to who you are supposed to be with, AND there is someone out there for everyone. It's a matter of fate if you meet them or not. Just know one day you will meet them.

I thought that was pretty wise coming out of a 19 year-old's mouth. =D

Random Thoughts at 12:30am

It's easier to feel everything than it is to feel nothing. The hardest part about feeling is allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to get hurt. This is something that I have been struggling with everyday. But I honestly can say that I am able to feel more now than I was able to last week. It might not be the best to cry everyday or to sleep all day, but it has helped me to get past certain obstacles in order to be more connected and trusting to myself. Also, those late night conversations with LJ have been helping me too. I know things between us won't carry on into the summer, but being able to talk to him about everything and anything has really helped me to realize who I am and what I want. It's really hard to keep telling myself that things with LJ are going to be over soon and that there's a huge possibility that they won't pick back up next year, considering I feel like we're getting closer as people.

It's confusing too how when I tell him that I don't want to be just another girl on a list of girls he says that I'm not ever going to be on that list. I don't know if he's telling the truth or if he's just saying that to get what he wants. We'll all have to wait and see.

Spontaneousness

I'm proud to say that I have become a little more spontaneous besides the fact that I am scared shitless of so many things. If any of my family is reading this, which I doubt they are, but they should stop reading now otherwise they are going to be very disappointed or shocked with me. As for the rest of you, things with LJ have been heating up a lot lately. He stays in my room every night and things have been getting interesting lately. When he first started staying over, it was just to have someone in bed with you, but now that we know each other more that's a different story. To keep this on the short side, we took a shower together last night for the first time. I really love do this with my boyfriends, but since we aren't that type of couple (using that term loosely) yet, that was a huge risk for me!!! I don't trust people (mainly guys) that easily, especially the ones at my school in which I have been warned about (i.e. actors). But I guess most girls are that way because of their past relationships.

I'm the type of person that no matter how many times people say I have a nice body or anything along those lines, I'm still really self-conscious about myself. Having a guy see me completely naked is like my worst nightmare!! But I decided to take a risk and see what might happen. I'm glad I did because I had fun, and can't wait to do it again. Of course that's all up to him.

Anyways, the point of my blog today is to say that I'm actually trying to believe in myself and take risks more. Hopefully, my New Year's resolution combined with trying to be more spontaneous will help me over come some of my fears and insecurities. We'll have to see how it goes though.

One last thing, I'm really starting to like LJ A LOT!! And I'm scared that being apart for the summer might changes things between him and I. I really hope not though, but only time will tell.