New School Year

So I know it's been awhile since I've written anything on here, and I'm sorry for that. I've been UBER busy getting all settled in for the new school year. It's already looking like a crazy one, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

So new happenings that come with a new school year. I have met a lot of the first years (freshman) and they are out of the their minds!! This years incoming class has the mind set of "I'm 18 and I'm in college so I can do whatever the fuck I want", which in my opinion is kinda scary. But hopefully after the first two months hopefully everything will have calmed down. So the deal with me and LJ is we're just friends who happen to hook up every once in a while. No strings attached. This was my call so I'm basically controlling the situation which is nice that way I can call it off if I feel myself getting emotionally attached. Honestly, my goals is to just have fun and find a nice guy soon. I'm so tired of being alone at night without anyone to cuddle with. It's the little things in life that make us the happiest right?

Travels

Sorry it's been a while since I've posted anything, but I've been busy traveling the USA. I started off in NC then went home to FL, then to TX even if it was for just a layover, then to CO. I had fun visiting friends and looking at all the fine guys there. Did some hiking as well and it was amazing!! Just when you think my traveling is done...its not. I have to travel to three different cities in the state of NC. After that is done I go back to school, so this month has been really busy for me. I have loved every second of it. Well I have to go pack so I'll post later!

About Fed Up....

So I'm staying with some of my mom's friends and I have been for the past 2-3 weeks. I've about had it though. Every time I watch or rather try to watch TV they feel as though they need to talk about everything that's going on within the show. Then they miss parts and ask me what was said and done, when I can't hear a fucking thing because they were talking! I can't wait to get out of here!!!!!!! At least I only have one day left and then I'm out of here for about 2 weeks!

Weekend Getaway

So I went to my Godparents house in West Virginia this past weekend. I really needed that to get me out of the funk I was in. I was in this depressive state for the past week and a half that I didn't even realize until I got back today. My friends that I'm staying with kept saying "you must have gotten laid because you look so happy." But the fact is I didn't, just me being with some of my family and back to some normalcy made me happier. Then again I haven't seen my Godparents in about 2 years.

Anywho...I get to go home on Thursday and I already have a lot of plans to get together with some of my friends. And yes EJ is one of them. He and I have been talking a lot more than we ever did in high school, even when we were dating. He's been telling me the exciting adventures of getting his own place, and living on his own, etc. He invited me to come chill at his place, and I said I would if he taught me how to drive stick. Oh...I almost forgot....I decided to trade in my car for a 6 speed manual Jeep Wrangler. I figured it would be a better car for when it snows. I already talked to my parents and they said they would help me with the search and everything. The only reason I went to them is because my car right now is technically theirs. So I have to get their approval in order to sell the car.

Wow....that's a lot of not needed information, but I'm so excited about the new (not to mention happy) things in my life. Now all I need is for the school year to start so I can be with all my friends again. I miss them SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much it's crazy.

Oh but back to my getaway. So I drove 3 1/2 hours by myself to WV and it was actually fun, except for the fact that I was stuck for about 5 miles in bumper to bumper traffic. Oh and did I mention I was stuck on a bridge for about 20 minutes between two semi trucks?! That's my worst nightmare because all I kept thinking about was the bridge collapsing and me becoming a bug sandwich after falling to my death in the Virginia mountains. Great imagining isn't it? So after conquering traffic and making it to safety my Godparents took me out to eat. There we met up with my Godmother's sister and her husband. We had a great dinner and the waiter kept flirting with me even though I didn't look all that great. But that's not the best part (add sarcasm here). I went back to my Godparents house only to get hit on by a 14 year-old for 3 days straight.....(no sarcasm here) However, my last night with them my Godmother tells me that her sister wants me to come back up and meet her grandson who is my age and he's on football scholarship in some college up there. So it looks like I'll be making another trip up there at some point. ;-)

Something.....

So I was talking to one of my friends who is in the naval academy. We were talking about relationships, experiences, and stuff along those lines. I told him some of the stuff about how guys only see me as a booty call and how I can't seem to find a guy who wants more than that. All he said to me was "you deserve so much more than that." That simple sentence made me realize I do, and that I need to stop being so hard and self-conscious and just let things go. Eventually there will be a guy that will want more than that.

On a side note, I'm not sure if I had mentioned this before, but my dad was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease about a year ago. At first he had a tough time adjusting to this thought, but now he's fine with it. He openly tells his friends about everything. His doctor's appointments have been ok until the other day. He got great news about how the disease had not progressed at all since he was first diagnosed! My entire family and I are thrilled about this news! So I just had to share that. Now off to enjoy my Sunday!

Low days

You know how if you sit around long enough you start to contemplate everything in your life and where you are in it? Well I'm there right now. Today it hit me, again, how I might be alone for the rest of my life. It's quite upsetting how I constantly have guys hitting on me, yet none of them want a serious relationship. There's only one other person I know who's in a similar situation I'm in, Nik. Yes that is his name, and the only reason why I'm using it is because I know he probably won't mind; oh and I have nothing bad to say about him. =)He's one of my best friends and basically the only person I trust completely since he goes through the same shit I do.
Anyway, the reason for this blog is I just don't understand why I can't have anything more than a one night stand, ex with benefits, or friends with benefits. I really want something more, but it seems like that's not possible with me. I just hope one day soon I can find a guy who isn't scared of a long term relationship and honestly likes me for me. Is that too much to ask for?

On my own

I've recently come to the realization that I can't wait to have a place of my own. It seems like a huge task for someone who's barely out of her teens. But I couldn't be more excited. I think I'm going to start looking for apartments and such ASAP. I couldn't be more excited to cook, clean, and have my own place. It's just too bad that I have to wait a full year before I'll be able to do this. I just hope that i can find a place within my budget.

Thoughts that run through my mind

Like every little girl, I always wanted to be the beautiful princess that every prince wanted. Even though I'm older now, I still want that (minus the princess and prince part). I'm not sure if it's just me being to self-conscious or what, but I've never seen myself as pretty,beautiful,hott, etc. Since I have yet to encounter a guy who isn't desperate this summer my self-esteem has hit an all time low. Don't get me wrong I've had fun, but at the same time I would like to settle into a nice relationship now. I'm tired of only being a friend with benefits type of thing. This might mean me taking a risk on my part considering I hate first dates since they seem SOOO awkward to me. Ugh....is it too much to ask to find a nice guy who would want to be in a relationship for a few months? If so then I guess I'm shit out of luck.....

Girls unable to think? I think not!!

So I was talking to this guy last night through texting and he thought he had to explain everything to me in layman's terms so I could understand. Little did he know I already knew everything he was saying. It just seemed to me that he felt I was too stupid to put two and two together. It was almost as if he was trying to teach me the alphabet or how to write. I'm pretty sure you'll agree with me when I say that girls are way smarter than we look, no matter what guys think. We always have 10,000,000 things running through our minds all the time yet we're able to make it seem like there's nothing going on. Also, in case you didn't know we have thought of every possible outcome to a situation before even one word leaves a guys lips. It's so frustrating to think that guys assume that girls are dumb or aren't as intuitive as we really are. In all honesty we might even surpass the male IQ. Actually, I take that back I know we do. Considering guys are stupid enough to give up the chivalry that makes every girl melt/buckle at the knee/what have you....Now I want to challenge my male followers out there to just try chivalry out for one week and see how many female responses you get. I bet it will be more good than bad, although there are those occasional women who are very independent. Anyways...take the challenge if you dare and let me know how that goes. I'm sure you will have more women wanting to talk to you if you do this.

Confrontation

So today, I was in one of my usual places talking with the usual people and the subject of LJ came up. Of course it's still a sore subject since we've talked once this entire summer, and that came from me starting the conversation. Anyways, I have this gut feeling about him that when we see each other again he's only going to want a booty call. I'm not that type of girl...EVER. Don't get me wrong LJ and I had some good times. There were those times in the shower.....those times in my room....those times at some parties....but we were together during that time so it was different....I think. This is all just a confusing matter that I really don't care what happens in the end.

Carnival day!!

So today is the fourth of July carnival that my job is having. Why didn't we do it yesterday? Well it was the weekend and all the equipment was rented, so we had to do it today. I'm super excited about it since the last carnival I went to was during Beaux Arts (the huge party my school throws at the end of the year). Anyways...things with one of the RC's is picking up a little bit, except for the fact that he rained checked me for a day that we had planned for today. But it's cool because I really wanted to go to Carnival. It is a bit disappointing though, but I'll get over it.

Oh something that happened since the last time I blogged, I went hiking for the first time since I can remember. It was a TON of fun and I can't wait to go do it again. Plus I went with this guy that I had been talking to through facebook and texting for a while. He's pretty cool but I don't see things going anywhere but being friends. And honestly, I don't want a relationship right now. I just want to have fun and enjoy my time in college. <----That statement might change come the start of the school year, just keep that in mind.

Sleepless Night

So my mind keeps on running in a million different directions and at the worst time too! Right before bed. I don't know what to do. I know have a busy day ahead of me tomorrow and I know all the things that I need to get done in a certain amount of time. Maybe that's just it...I'm thinking and planning things out too much. I've tried to stay away from doing this since I always end up in the same situation. Loosing sleep over things I can't really control or rather that I try controlling too much. I need to get back in the habit of letting things happen the way they're supposed to and not try to manipulate the situation so the outcome is the way I want it. Most of the time that happens I'm not truly happy or enjoying everything to the fullest. I just need to let go of everything and relax.

I feel better now. Maybe tonight won't be as sleepless as I thought it was going to be.

It's been a while

So I just realized it's been a long time since I've written anything on here and I'm sorry for that.

The deal with LJ and me....we're over and I'm fine with it. At first I wasn't but now I really don't care if we get back together in the fall or not. If we do get back together I'm going to tell him I want a serious relationship now and not this unofficial bullshit. But then again that's even if he wants to get back with me, which I highly doubt is the case.

New experiences/adventures

So I started work at my school as a Residents Counselor for the summer session. Things have been so much fun and I love all the girls on my hall! There are many RC's here and the guy ones are pretty attractive. We just had the opening dance Friday night and the two and only straight male RC's made a point to dance with me. It was a blast! I really wish we had more nights like that. Anyways that's off topic. One of them, who I shall call JR, messaged me that night and said "you're an amazing person!" I still don't really know how to take that. The other one JC had a nice long easy going conversation last night i which he did ask me out. He basically just said that he wanted to get to know me more. And after that we continued talking about the most random things. It was actually kinda nice. I'll let you know where that goes. But for now I'm looking forward to Wednesday the release of the next Twilight movie!!! =)

Little things that give me hope

So today I was in the car with my mom (she came up to help me move out of my dorm and to see me dance) and the song Bless the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts came on. I absolutely love that song and I hadn't heard it in a while, and it came on on the perfect day. LJ and I had a serious talk last night and it got pretty emotional. Not the "I love you" type because like I said in a previous post, we're not your usual couple. Anyways, as I was singing along (poorly I might add)it hit me that everything in life happens for a reason. I know that's been said millions of times, but for some reason it just clicked MAJORLY this time. I wish I could elaborate more on what happened that just made this perfect.....actually I can a little bit.

LJ was telling me a story about how he suffered quite a few horrific break ups. Fortunately, I've only had one, but that's for another time. He told me none of the relationships he's ever been in have ever lasted more than a month. I feel really bad about that since things with us are ending on Thursday (mutual agreement by the two of us....long distance especially over summer is WAYY to hard). But it just sucks because I really want to be with him, but I know it's going to be better this way. Wow....I got off topic. Anyway, how his story relates to the song is, even though I know when he hears it he won't be thinking of me (although I would like him to be) hopefully it will give him the same insight that it gave me. No matter how bad relationships are/end they are always a step in the right direction to who you are supposed to be with, AND there is someone out there for everyone. It's a matter of fate if you meet them or not. Just know one day you will meet them.

I thought that was pretty wise coming out of a 19 year-old's mouth. =D

Random Thoughts at 12:30am

It's easier to feel everything than it is to feel nothing. The hardest part about feeling is allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to get hurt. This is something that I have been struggling with everyday. But I honestly can say that I am able to feel more now than I was able to last week. It might not be the best to cry everyday or to sleep all day, but it has helped me to get past certain obstacles in order to be more connected and trusting to myself. Also, those late night conversations with LJ have been helping me too. I know things between us won't carry on into the summer, but being able to talk to him about everything and anything has really helped me to realize who I am and what I want. It's really hard to keep telling myself that things with LJ are going to be over soon and that there's a huge possibility that they won't pick back up next year, considering I feel like we're getting closer as people.

It's confusing too how when I tell him that I don't want to be just another girl on a list of girls he says that I'm not ever going to be on that list. I don't know if he's telling the truth or if he's just saying that to get what he wants. We'll all have to wait and see.

Spontaneousness

I'm proud to say that I have become a little more spontaneous besides the fact that I am scared shitless of so many things. If any of my family is reading this, which I doubt they are, but they should stop reading now otherwise they are going to be very disappointed or shocked with me. As for the rest of you, things with LJ have been heating up a lot lately. He stays in my room every night and things have been getting interesting lately. When he first started staying over, it was just to have someone in bed with you, but now that we know each other more that's a different story. To keep this on the short side, we took a shower together last night for the first time. I really love do this with my boyfriends, but since we aren't that type of couple (using that term loosely) yet, that was a huge risk for me!!! I don't trust people (mainly guys) that easily, especially the ones at my school in which I have been warned about (i.e. actors). But I guess most girls are that way because of their past relationships.

I'm the type of person that no matter how many times people say I have a nice body or anything along those lines, I'm still really self-conscious about myself. Having a guy see me completely naked is like my worst nightmare!! But I decided to take a risk and see what might happen. I'm glad I did because I had fun, and can't wait to do it again. Of course that's all up to him.

Anyways, the point of my blog today is to say that I'm actually trying to believe in myself and take risks more. Hopefully, my New Year's resolution combined with trying to be more spontaneous will help me over come some of my fears and insecurities. We'll have to see how it goes though.

One last thing, I'm really starting to like LJ A LOT!! And I'm scared that being apart for the summer might changes things between him and I. I really hope not though, but only time will tell.

New Developments =)

Just like I promised I would keep you up to date with everything that's going on with me and LJ. Well you'll be happy to know we're together now, but unofficially. The unofficial part is kind of a bummer, but it's understandable since we only have a month left of school and he lives in Texas while I'll be in Florida. Anyways, I bet your wondering how all it went down.

Well we had been flirting for about 3 weeks or so and remember how ND asked me out? He had a part in getting things to be jump started. This past weekend I was performing at the Museum of Art, as stated in one of my previous posts, and LJ knew I was doing that. He arranged for a way to show up and surprise me. And boy did he! I ended up messing up when he first passed by me. Thank God he didn't see me! Eventually he passed by me, and acted like he didn't see me when I know good and well he did. Any who, later that night we ended up at the same party and he came back to my room with me. Nothing really happened besides us talking and falling asleep together. While we were talking it was brought up about how he wants us to be together and how he's not going to hook up with any other girl for the rest of the year. Longer story short, we're unofficial now and he has been staying with me every night since Saturday. Tonight's the first night that he hasn't been here and I'm feeling kinda lonely. Especially since I just got used to having someone in the bed with me again.

And I'm the one that's immature?

I absolutely hate it when someone gets pissed at you for something that really isn't your fault. It's not that I took the easy way out or anything, but I just took the option that made more sense. This statement comes after I received a couple of messages on facebook where a guy told me, "GO FUCK YOURSELF" and also called me a "Flaky teenage girl". This might seem bad, but what's even worse is that I can kind of see where he's coming from.

The story behind all this is that I was supposed to sublet from this guy from my school. At first everything seemed great, but then there was the issue of if I was going to be able to have the money for it. I was up front and honest about everything to him, and he had told me that he was going to keep looking for other people to sublet from him. Since he made that statement I started looking for other places to live and I got a better offer. I apologized to him about 15 times about everything and he still writes me some nasty things about me. The worst part is he doesn't even know me all that well.

UGH!!! This just pisses me off when people who don't even know me that well say shit like that. I probably won't get too much sleep tonight because of this, and the best part is I have a mid term exam in the morning!!! Can you say FML!!

Last Weekend at the Museum of Art!

This is a bitter sweet moment when something that you've been working so hard on is finally over. I'm really excited that it basically went extremely well, so far, and that this is the last weekend that I will be performing for the Museum. At the same time, I'm going to miss everything.

On a side note, things with LJ are looking up! =) I'll keep you posted.

My how things have changed

I've been super busy with a performance my school is doing for an art museum, and haven't had much time for anything. But when I do have some down time I usually go play volleyball on the campus with a whole bunch of random people. I really do suck at volleyball, but not as much as when I first started. I'm also getting to meet some people that I wouldn't have met otherwise. So it's a win-win situation.

And some interesting things have happened, I really like this one guy, LJ, he's an actor at my school, he has a really nice body, he's really smart and sweet, and Jewish. Now I'm not Jewish, but for some reason I have a thing for Jewish boys. I've dated 3 in my life time so far. I'm really not quite sure what to do, like if I should take a risk and see if he wants to go out or something. I'm just scared that if I put my neck out there I'll get blown off again. I probably deserve that though since I've blown off so many people in my life. The fact is it's karma and there's nothing you can do about it. Honestly, I'm not really wanting to be in a relationship again right now. Especially after the year I had. But if LJ asks me out I won't say no ;)

Stuck

Things keep getting harder. And every time they do, it makes me miss having a boyfriend all the more. I miss the uncomplicated part; you know the part in a new relationship where both sides are sweet and everything seems perfect. But honestly, I don't want a relationship just for that, I really miss everything about it. The loving and caring parts at least. I really just need to know that someone close to me has my back and is there supporting me. I know my family is there and so are my friends back home, but at the same time they are 3 states away from me.

I just feel like no matter how hard I try I always end up back in this place.

Tough Times

Things have gotten worse since the last time I wrote. My cousin (Craig) is slipping further and further away from us. I'm kind of upset with my mom right now too. She was visiting me this weekend and told me that she and my dad went to go see my cousin this past Monday. So when I talked to her on Monday she lied about everything she was doing. She says it was to keep me focused on my school work, but she of all people should know that I'm the type of person who likes to see people one last time before they pass away. Now, I'm not going to have that opportunity, and it's killing me. I know I'm going to regret not going to see him, but at the same time I can see where she's coming from. We both saw my grandparents go through this and it was awful to see them in so much pain. So I can respect why my mom doesn't want me to see Craig. It's just unsettling to know that probably the next time I see him will be at his funeral. This thought has made me break down so many times since I found out how bad Craig is.

Even though it seems like it's hard on me, it's worse for my dad. I've only seen him cry once in my entire life; my mom said that including Monday she's only seen him cry 3 times. If my dad cries you know things are bad. So like I said last time, I'm pretty much in a state where I don't know what to do. Any advice would be great.

A Little Add On

Have you ever experienced a time where you really miss being able to cuddle or talk to someone about anything and everything? Well that's what I'm feeling right now. Even though I have so many friends around me there's just one thing missing, that one person who knows so much about me and can make me laugh from just one look.

Maybe this is evoked from all the recent happenings (mostly bad), but I still can't help but to feel helpless and alone. I have no clue what to do. The only guys that are around me and are straight either don't want anything, aren't my type, are players, or have a girlfriend already. I think I have bad timing for everything.

Is everything complicated to show how much of a fool we really are?

Emotional Pain

There are many things in life that I just don't understand. For instance, when you get really close to someone, whether or not they're in your family, they either leave or die. Right now, I'm experiencing the latter. Unfortunately one of my family members was diagnosed with cancer at the beginning of the year. He was given a year to live, but after his first chemotherapy treatment he had to be put on morphine and Hospice was called. I feel so bad because my mom, dad, and I were supposed to go up to see him for Thanksgiving (this was before we knew he had cancer) but we didn't go because I wanted to be home with my mom's side of the family. Now I'm really regretting not going, and I'm also trying to figure out how to see him before he passes.

It might seem like I won't have a problem doing this, but the thing is I had lost a family member at the beginning of the school year and I took two days off then. So asking for more time off from school seems like I just don't want to be here, which isn't the case at all. I love being at my school, it's just things happen that are out of my control and I really hope my teachers see that. The other thing is my schedule is about to get really crazy (this Sunday is my last Sunday off until May) and I don't want to miss anything important by going to his service, when I would really rather go and see him alive.

This isn't the first time that I've had to deal with losing someone from cancer in my life. I lost my Grandmother when I was in 4th grade. I think you remember that one post about my grandparents so I don't really need to explain everything all over again.

I'll keep you updated on all the happenings.

Things happen when you least expect them

The weirdest thing happened to me yesterday. I got a friend request on facebook from this guy that looked really familiar. I saw that we had a mutual friend who happened to be my cousin. So I called her and asked her who this guy was, it turns out it's her cousin on her dad's side (which means there's no blood relation to me). So I accept his request and he facebook chatted me about 5 minutes later. I don't know what's going to come of this, but I just thought it was interesting how when I'm getting really into dancing again (not to mention the soreness as well) that guys start coming out of the wood works.

Oh! I almost forgot! I'll finally be performing with my school for the first time ever on Wednesday and Saturday next week! I'm super excited for this! =)

Clarification

So I reread some of my previous blogs and I realized I wasn't very clear on some things. EJ is my ex who is the certified bartender. And blog guy is the guy from work who's a complete asshole! He still hasn't responded!!! Then again I haven't sent him anything else to respond to, but still.....

So now that I'm back at school I'm kinda glad to be back in some normalcy. Dancing, going to the gym everyday, dieting, rehearsing; you know the norm. But I still can't seem get EJ off my mind no matter how hard I try. I'm fine when I'm busy, but it's during times when I'm by myself, like now, I can't keep that from happening. I really want to communicate with him, but I'm not sure if that's really what I need. I tend to get a false sense of hope when things start looking good. It might be because I miss cuddling with someone and having someone there for me when I have a fight with my mom. Sure I have some friends, but they aren't close enough to me that I can talk to them about that kinda thing. It's a sticky situation that I'm not sure what to do.

If you guys have any suggestions, I'm open to them! =)

It's been a while

So Spring Break was successful on some instances. I got to see a bunch of my friends and I got to find out how blog guy really feels. I also got to hang out with some of my friends who I haven't seen since graduation. I have a feeling this blog is going to be one of the longest ones I have written. But it's been a while since I've posted anything.

The thing with blog guy is quite frustrating but I'm glad I know what's going on now. We had planned on meeting up the first night I was back home, so I went to the club that we agreed to meet at. I texted BG asking if he was there yet and he said that he was waiting for his friends to pick him up and then he would be there. 10 minutes later he texted me back and said that they had decided they were going to a different club even further away from where I was. Keep in mind I had driven 13 hours home and then 20 minutes to get to this club. You would think things couldn't get any worse but they did. We made plans to try to get together AGAIN (that was my stupid mistake). He had class until 8pm on Wednesday,(which in case you didn't know was St. Patrick's Day, my favorite holiday!!)and he said he would call/text me when he got out. 8pm came and went, and by 9pm I was extremely drunk! I then, thinking it was a good idea, texted him to find out what was going on, and still to this day he hasn't responded. Things happen for a reason and I'm really glad this happened.

Anyways, during the time that I was waiting for BG I was hanging out with one of my best friends Brit and I was supposed to spend the night at her dorm. Anyways, one of my ex's (EJ) goes to the same school Brit does so I called him to see what he was doing and if he wanted to hang out (this was done before all the drinking started). I'm really glad I invited EJ since he basically made sure I didn't get raped by anyone that night. Again, St Patrick's Day is my favorite holiday! Back to the point of this, things got crazy at this one bar we went to and he got me out of there. We ended up going to one of my friend's apartments and we drank more. Since I'm trying to be completely honest with this blogging thing, I'll just go ahead and tell you guys that we hooked up. I didn't really know how I felt about that, but surprisingly with EJ it was the most fun I've ever had. We both pretty much laughed through the entire thing. I really needed something like that after being at school with just about all gay guys since September.

Wednesday was definitely the highlight of my Spring Break, but that wasn't the last time I saw EJ when I was home. We hung out every night until I had to leave on Saturday. It was almost like we were back together again. I'm not sure if I want that or if I just want to be single. I'm just getting used to being that way again. I think I'm just going to go with my new life motto, "Whatever happens, happens." But I was/am frustrated that all this had to happen the last few days I was there. We'll see what happens next time I'm home.

The Busiest Week

This past week has been so busy with so many different things. Since my injury I've had to go to physical therapy everyday just to get back to some normalcy. It's been a long process, but hopefully after Spring Break(which is in 6 days)I'll be able to dance fully again.

I've also been preparing for my finals next week and helping get together two school events that happen back to back. One is happening tonight, so I'm actually surprised that I have time right now to blog. The other event is going to be amazing! It's an ABC (anything but clothes) party my school is hosting. Just in case you're curious I'm wearing a bubble wrap tube top/mini skirt, so maybe I'll be able to turn a few heads at the party.

Oh and I have to pack for Spring Break. So right now I'm glad I'm single because I'm pretty sure my guy would've felt ignored during this time. But what can I say? I LOVE being single. That statement might change in a week or so though, depending on what happens over the break.

Spring Break Countdown

Since my last post things got worse but only to get better again. I got injured during a dance class I was taking so I've been unable to dance for the past few days. However, I was able to go visit some friends of the family over the weekend, and get the much needed rest that my body has been craving (wow, that sounded pretty sexual there). Anyways, it was what I needed to get through the next 11 days until Spring Break.

Spring Break comes with many situations. First is the one with the guy that I mentioned in some of my previous blogs (blog guy). The new ones are with one of my ex's who will be a certified bartender by then(major plus!!), and a couple of my friends who I haven't seen since May. One of those friends was/is known for having sex with just about any girl, and the other one never talks about girls so I think he's possibly gay. If he is I will still love him the same because I pretty much saw it coming.

I'm really looking forward to all the parties and such that will be going on, but at the same time I'm anxious to see what will happen with blog guy; if anything at all. If anything happens I will keep you updated!

That's enough for now since this was just a method of procrastination I have adapted.

Rock Bottom

I've officially hit rock bottom today, and I don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm really ready to forget everything I've worked so hard for my entire life and start new somewhere. Not sure where that would be exactly, but all I know is that being at the bottom for so long is bound to make matters worse.

The thing is I love everything too much. Maybe that's the reason why I get hurt so often. I just have to remember it's the end of the term and people's emotions are at an all time high. Just keep looking forward to that week of relaxation in the sand and the sun of my beautiful home state.

Gosh that was a short but confusing post...

Possibilities

Since starting blogging, I've realized how hard it is to get to the point of things and not dance around a subject. This one is a rather difficult to start for me since I'm dealing with what seems to be a constant problem for me.

I might be trying to hard when it comes to guys. I mean, when you meet a guy you think is really nice, sweet, cute, funny, etc. you don't want to lose them. I always start out great by making small talk through texting and I try to keep the guy interested. I think my down fall is not only being so far away, but also the fact that I tend to over analyze things and want to keep the conversation going.

Then again it might be the guy, who was just trying to get with me. Guys seem to have a specific gene that makes them turn into horn dogs that only want sex. Some girls lack the ability to tell when a guy is into them or when he's just being a douche bag. Because I lack that ability sometimes, people see me as naive, but what they don't know is that I've been screwed over by guys so many times that I don't deserve that title.

Now it's going to seem like I'm jumping all over the place, but this post is titled "Possibilities".

It's weird how actual relationships come from people you would never expect. If you read my one post about the guy situation(Who Am I Kidding?), you'll see what I mean. I know it might be a bad judgment call on my part, but I'm kind of hoping things will change once I see him again. Right now, I'm just playing hard to get. ;)

This guy seems to be worth my time and energy. The only bad part is the last time I did this I got hurt. But I know that in order to get anywhere in life you have to take risks, and be willing to get hurt. As of right now, I feel like I could handle anything this guy says to me since I just want to know the truth.

This turned into a really long post so I'll leave this until next time.

Relationships from the Past

It's funny how certain relationships change in the future. Like someone who you weren't close to in high school suddenly becomes one of your best friends, and someone who you were best friends with is now your worst enemies. Life is funny like that, but I guess everything that changes makes you into a better person. At least that's what I'm hoping for.

This also might come from how you acted/treated others because of the lack of confidence you have in yourself. I'm just starting to become comfortable in my own skin. Don't get me wrong I still struggle with self-image, but things seem to go easier or better when I'm not focusing on all the flaws I have. Maybe this is also why I've had issues with relationships.

Hopefully these new friendships and new self-discovery will help me become the person my parents and family have always seen in me.

Happily Single

This "holiday" is coming up soon, and I just wanted to mention how it's not really the best one out of the year. I believe this was created just to make people feel bad, whether you have someone or not. If you have someone and don't get them anything, then you feel guilty if they got you something. If you don't have anyone to share this "special day" with, then you feel shitty because "no one loves you". My belief is that if you honestly and truly love someone then you should show that everyday. You shouldn't have to go out and spend the extra money on February 14th just because somebody said that it's the "day of love". Oh believe me I used to love Valentines Day when I was younger because that's when we got a class party, candy, and little notes from your classmates saying how special you were. Like most things in elementary school, I grew out of that.

I've had this debate with many people and most say that they love Valentines Day. Those who don't love Valentines Day agree with me that it's just a commercial holiday that someone thought up long ago in order to make money. This Valentines Day, I plan on hanging out with some really good friends of mine and enjoying a movie, which is nothing out of the ordinary.

For those of you who celebrate this holiday, I hope you have a great time, and don't get disappointed if the person your with calls it quits after Sunday.

Letter to God

I'm usually not as religious as this, but this time of the year gets exceptionally hard. I have no choice but to turn to a higher power. I know it's only the month of February, but this time 9 years ago I lost someone very close to me. Actually I lost two people, my grandparents. February 9, 2001 was my grandfather. He always said that he would die first because he couldn't live without my grandmother. The love he had for her is the type of love I want in my life. March 9, 2001 my grandmother passed. Exactly 31 days at almost the exact same time of day as my grandfather. She had lost her battle with cancer, but the strength she showed during that time is the type that I can only hope to achieve. This is a letter that I have written recently to express the grief I've been feeling. It might seem a little kindergarten, but it helped me through this.

Dear God,

I usually don't question Your decisions, but this is one that I have always wondered about. Why did You have to take away two of the most amazing people I have ever met when I was young? They were the support that I needed when I couldn't turn to my parents. They were the glue that held our family together, and since they've been gone the family has been getting more distant from each other. It caused everyone, who lost them, such pain. I was only 10 when they returned to You, and I still feel the pain I felt the day they were taken. I know that they are always with me and watching over me, the proof is all over me (angel kisses).

I realize how blessed I am to have had them in my life, but I can't help but to wonder what life would be like if they were still here. It might be selfish of me to say this but I would love to spend just one more day with them. Just to see their face, feel their touch, hear their voices, and most importantly feel their love. Sometimes when I'm in the studio, during a class, I can feel them there with me. I can feel how proud they are of me and how much they love me. At the end of class, or even the combination, that feeling just disappears. It saddens me greatly and I long for that feeling to come back. I guess I will achieve that feeling more consistently if I keep finding, no, creating myself into the person that they have always seen in me.

I guess what I'm asking for is Your guidance and help in overcoming the hurt that I have felt more recently. I know that Your decisions are always to make us stronger people, but I've been feeling so low lately that I need that extra support that only You can give.

Please show me the right direction to go.

Who am I kidding?

Have you ever had such low self-esteem that you keep saying "Who am I kidding? I was never good enough for him." This is the state of mind I keep finding myself in lately. Honestly, I think it's because of the high hopes we are given that things will always be the way you want them. I'm not going to say I'm disappointed in the situation because I was actually expecting it to turn out this way. Maybe that was my down fall; not having enough hope in the situation. Or maybe, just maybe I was right in the fact that I wasn't good enough for him. You never know with guys these days what they're thinking. Whether they just want a hook up, a dance partner, or an actual relationship.

This state of mind is also due to the pressures society puts on girls today. And to answer guys questions...yes we are complicated, but only because of all the pressure we receive. There's no hope in understanding us really. Hell I'm a girl and I don't understand girls. We all have different mind sets, but we all do love to hear "you're beautiful" or "I love you". Those statements come with a warning though, don't say them unless you really mean them. Girls tend to get crazy sometimes when we find out you were lying just to get us into bed.

I think that I'm just going to have to go into the "I don't give a f***" state of mind now. Just go out with friends and enjoy being single. Things always seem to be better that way. Good luck to those who are in the same situation I'm in. And keep me updated with any progress you have made.

FML!

Have you ever started out the day in a fight with someone close to you? Well if you have you know how much it sucks. I have been experiencing this a lot lately with my mom. She just refuses to listen to anything I have to say. She won't even consider my point of view on things. You would think she would listen to her own daughter who is living the life she only reads about! But no...that's not the case at all. My mom always knows what's going on in the world of dance due to the fact that she reads Dance Magazine.

To be honest, I love being right, and I hate being told I'm wrong when I know I'm right. I know that sounds wrong, but when I deal with stuff like in the above paragraph can you blame me? I really hate fighting with my mom or anyone close to me, but when I know more about the topic than the opposing party and they just refuse to listen, you know a fight is going to happen. There's just no way around it, no matter how hard you try. And then on top of all this my mom has the nerve to get upset with me that I don't talk to her that much any more. Well when we fight every time we try to talk, and I hate fighting, what do you think I'm going to do?

OK I'm done with that crap now. Onto more fascinating topics, such as guys leading you on. This is one of the controversial topics of the decade, but I thought talking about it would bring interesting comments; or would if I had any followers.

There are millions of girls that are being lead on at this moment in time; myself being one of them. It really sucks when you have feelings for a guy and they don't even give you the time of day. Or better yet, they give you false hopes of things happening and they never do. I just wish the guy that is doing this to me would realize how I feel, and tell me whether he feels the same or rather just be friends. I rather find out the truth about the situation than be sitting here hoping for more.

Of course I could ask him, but I don't have enough "balls" to do so. All because asking him might ruin some plans already made. OH...There's the "false hopes" thing again. If anyone has any advice on what to do please feel free to comment. I'm open for any and all suggestions.

Am I....

Am I really the only one who hates the way people treat each other?

I know it might seem stupid I'm asking that, but it seems to be a real issue nowadays. The person who's nice and always there for others always ends up getting hurt, used, disrespected, and disappointed. Do people just have to be bitchy in order to get any respect at all? Or is it the fact that some people just aren't mature enough to realize what they're doing to others?

What happened to those days when you didn't have to worry about what anyone else was saying because you already knew that they respect you enough not to say anything to anyone else? Now because of that fear, people have to put up so many guards just to keep themselves from getting hurt. This in turn causes people to hide themselves and not really get to know one another, or give others a chance to know them. At the same time, you have a hard time trusting anyone who comes near you because everything they say to you is something you've heard before. After time, however, you get enough courage to hopefully move on with your life and take a chance.

And that one time you take the chance and really let someone in, you end up getting hurt to the point where you don't want to do anything at all. It's so hard to get past that point because you don't know what to do or how to help yourself heal. You basically get to the point where you lock everything and everyone out and don't want to accept anything. But if you have an outlet, such as dance, you find that you get through it so much better.

There's never an easier or faster way to heal, but if you can express how you feel through your outlet it really does help. You discover more things about yourself than you never thought were possible. You expand and give yourself that chance to learn and grow more as a person. You start to really discover who you are and want you want. Not what you think you want because you're settling for something that's not going to work in the end.

My reason for writing this is not to take up your time reading this long essay/blog/whatever else you want to call it, but to open many people's eyes to what really goes on when others realize what's being done to them. I, for one, realize many things but choose not to do anything about them. I really don't know why I'm this way, but I hope others who are like me in a way see what I've gone through and that they can overcome this too. You can be successful!! You can overcome people putting you down because they think you'll amount to nothing. You have to believe in yourself and have an amazing friends and family to back you up!! I love you guys and couldn't have made it this far without you!! <3 <3 <3

Why?

Why are so many people hurt with one life altering incident? This question came up with the recent tragedy in Haiti. I can't even begin to image how many people are hurting physically and emotionally from this*. At the same time I wonder how this question applies to my life and also those across the nation and the world. That seems a little selfish since the recent happenings, but you'll have to forgive me since I'm a curious person. I tend to want to know more and how we, as people, can learn from certain situations.

How is it that when something like what happened in Haiti makes us realize how one choice or one accident can hurt so many? For instance, someone takes something you said and twists it, next thing you know it spreads like wild fire until everyone hates you because of what they think you said. When in fact it was just the other person trying to ruin you and your friendships. Why do some people always feel the need to destroy something that isn't theirs? It just doesn't make sense to me...most people say it's because they're jealous, but what entitles them to do that?

For my entire life I've been known as the "nice girl", or the way I think of it as someone who people can walk all over. Honestly, I've gotten tired of that fact and have been trying to change that. It's proven to be one of the biggest challenges of my life. Don't get me wrong, I love to be challenged; especially if someone says I can't do something, and I prove them wrong. But it does take some callusing of my self-esteem in order to get past the negative comments. I thought I had gotten over all of that, but sitting here and writing this has made me realize that I simply just pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind hoping I would eventually forget about them. Unfortunately, I'm not that lucky....






*My thoughts and prayers are with all those who are down there or have friends or family down there.