Spring Break Countdown

Since my last post things got worse but only to get better again. I got injured during a dance class I was taking so I've been unable to dance for the past few days. However, I was able to go visit some friends of the family over the weekend, and get the much needed rest that my body has been craving (wow, that sounded pretty sexual there). Anyways, it was what I needed to get through the next 11 days until Spring Break.

Spring Break comes with many situations. First is the one with the guy that I mentioned in some of my previous blogs (blog guy). The new ones are with one of my ex's who will be a certified bartender by then(major plus!!), and a couple of my friends who I haven't seen since May. One of those friends was/is known for having sex with just about any girl, and the other one never talks about girls so I think he's possibly gay. If he is I will still love him the same because I pretty much saw it coming.

I'm really looking forward to all the parties and such that will be going on, but at the same time I'm anxious to see what will happen with blog guy; if anything at all. If anything happens I will keep you updated!

That's enough for now since this was just a method of procrastination I have adapted.

Rock Bottom

I've officially hit rock bottom today, and I don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm really ready to forget everything I've worked so hard for my entire life and start new somewhere. Not sure where that would be exactly, but all I know is that being at the bottom for so long is bound to make matters worse.

The thing is I love everything too much. Maybe that's the reason why I get hurt so often. I just have to remember it's the end of the term and people's emotions are at an all time high. Just keep looking forward to that week of relaxation in the sand and the sun of my beautiful home state.

Gosh that was a short but confusing post...

Possibilities

Since starting blogging, I've realized how hard it is to get to the point of things and not dance around a subject. This one is a rather difficult to start for me since I'm dealing with what seems to be a constant problem for me.

I might be trying to hard when it comes to guys. I mean, when you meet a guy you think is really nice, sweet, cute, funny, etc. you don't want to lose them. I always start out great by making small talk through texting and I try to keep the guy interested. I think my down fall is not only being so far away, but also the fact that I tend to over analyze things and want to keep the conversation going.

Then again it might be the guy, who was just trying to get with me. Guys seem to have a specific gene that makes them turn into horn dogs that only want sex. Some girls lack the ability to tell when a guy is into them or when he's just being a douche bag. Because I lack that ability sometimes, people see me as naive, but what they don't know is that I've been screwed over by guys so many times that I don't deserve that title.

Now it's going to seem like I'm jumping all over the place, but this post is titled "Possibilities".

It's weird how actual relationships come from people you would never expect. If you read my one post about the guy situation(Who Am I Kidding?), you'll see what I mean. I know it might be a bad judgment call on my part, but I'm kind of hoping things will change once I see him again. Right now, I'm just playing hard to get. ;)

This guy seems to be worth my time and energy. The only bad part is the last time I did this I got hurt. But I know that in order to get anywhere in life you have to take risks, and be willing to get hurt. As of right now, I feel like I could handle anything this guy says to me since I just want to know the truth.

This turned into a really long post so I'll leave this until next time.

Relationships from the Past

It's funny how certain relationships change in the future. Like someone who you weren't close to in high school suddenly becomes one of your best friends, and someone who you were best friends with is now your worst enemies. Life is funny like that, but I guess everything that changes makes you into a better person. At least that's what I'm hoping for.

This also might come from how you acted/treated others because of the lack of confidence you have in yourself. I'm just starting to become comfortable in my own skin. Don't get me wrong I still struggle with self-image, but things seem to go easier or better when I'm not focusing on all the flaws I have. Maybe this is also why I've had issues with relationships.

Hopefully these new friendships and new self-discovery will help me become the person my parents and family have always seen in me.

Happily Single

This "holiday" is coming up soon, and I just wanted to mention how it's not really the best one out of the year. I believe this was created just to make people feel bad, whether you have someone or not. If you have someone and don't get them anything, then you feel guilty if they got you something. If you don't have anyone to share this "special day" with, then you feel shitty because "no one loves you". My belief is that if you honestly and truly love someone then you should show that everyday. You shouldn't have to go out and spend the extra money on February 14th just because somebody said that it's the "day of love". Oh believe me I used to love Valentines Day when I was younger because that's when we got a class party, candy, and little notes from your classmates saying how special you were. Like most things in elementary school, I grew out of that.

I've had this debate with many people and most say that they love Valentines Day. Those who don't love Valentines Day agree with me that it's just a commercial holiday that someone thought up long ago in order to make money. This Valentines Day, I plan on hanging out with some really good friends of mine and enjoying a movie, which is nothing out of the ordinary.

For those of you who celebrate this holiday, I hope you have a great time, and don't get disappointed if the person your with calls it quits after Sunday.

Letter to God

I'm usually not as religious as this, but this time of the year gets exceptionally hard. I have no choice but to turn to a higher power. I know it's only the month of February, but this time 9 years ago I lost someone very close to me. Actually I lost two people, my grandparents. February 9, 2001 was my grandfather. He always said that he would die first because he couldn't live without my grandmother. The love he had for her is the type of love I want in my life. March 9, 2001 my grandmother passed. Exactly 31 days at almost the exact same time of day as my grandfather. She had lost her battle with cancer, but the strength she showed during that time is the type that I can only hope to achieve. This is a letter that I have written recently to express the grief I've been feeling. It might seem a little kindergarten, but it helped me through this.

Dear God,

I usually don't question Your decisions, but this is one that I have always wondered about. Why did You have to take away two of the most amazing people I have ever met when I was young? They were the support that I needed when I couldn't turn to my parents. They were the glue that held our family together, and since they've been gone the family has been getting more distant from each other. It caused everyone, who lost them, such pain. I was only 10 when they returned to You, and I still feel the pain I felt the day they were taken. I know that they are always with me and watching over me, the proof is all over me (angel kisses).

I realize how blessed I am to have had them in my life, but I can't help but to wonder what life would be like if they were still here. It might be selfish of me to say this but I would love to spend just one more day with them. Just to see their face, feel their touch, hear their voices, and most importantly feel their love. Sometimes when I'm in the studio, during a class, I can feel them there with me. I can feel how proud they are of me and how much they love me. At the end of class, or even the combination, that feeling just disappears. It saddens me greatly and I long for that feeling to come back. I guess I will achieve that feeling more consistently if I keep finding, no, creating myself into the person that they have always seen in me.

I guess what I'm asking for is Your guidance and help in overcoming the hurt that I have felt more recently. I know that Your decisions are always to make us stronger people, but I've been feeling so low lately that I need that extra support that only You can give.

Please show me the right direction to go.

Who am I kidding?

Have you ever had such low self-esteem that you keep saying "Who am I kidding? I was never good enough for him." This is the state of mind I keep finding myself in lately. Honestly, I think it's because of the high hopes we are given that things will always be the way you want them. I'm not going to say I'm disappointed in the situation because I was actually expecting it to turn out this way. Maybe that was my down fall; not having enough hope in the situation. Or maybe, just maybe I was right in the fact that I wasn't good enough for him. You never know with guys these days what they're thinking. Whether they just want a hook up, a dance partner, or an actual relationship.

This state of mind is also due to the pressures society puts on girls today. And to answer guys questions...yes we are complicated, but only because of all the pressure we receive. There's no hope in understanding us really. Hell I'm a girl and I don't understand girls. We all have different mind sets, but we all do love to hear "you're beautiful" or "I love you". Those statements come with a warning though, don't say them unless you really mean them. Girls tend to get crazy sometimes when we find out you were lying just to get us into bed.

I think that I'm just going to have to go into the "I don't give a f***" state of mind now. Just go out with friends and enjoy being single. Things always seem to be better that way. Good luck to those who are in the same situation I'm in. And keep me updated with any progress you have made.

FML!

Have you ever started out the day in a fight with someone close to you? Well if you have you know how much it sucks. I have been experiencing this a lot lately with my mom. She just refuses to listen to anything I have to say. She won't even consider my point of view on things. You would think she would listen to her own daughter who is living the life she only reads about! But no...that's not the case at all. My mom always knows what's going on in the world of dance due to the fact that she reads Dance Magazine.

To be honest, I love being right, and I hate being told I'm wrong when I know I'm right. I know that sounds wrong, but when I deal with stuff like in the above paragraph can you blame me? I really hate fighting with my mom or anyone close to me, but when I know more about the topic than the opposing party and they just refuse to listen, you know a fight is going to happen. There's just no way around it, no matter how hard you try. And then on top of all this my mom has the nerve to get upset with me that I don't talk to her that much any more. Well when we fight every time we try to talk, and I hate fighting, what do you think I'm going to do?

OK I'm done with that crap now. Onto more fascinating topics, such as guys leading you on. This is one of the controversial topics of the decade, but I thought talking about it would bring interesting comments; or would if I had any followers.

There are millions of girls that are being lead on at this moment in time; myself being one of them. It really sucks when you have feelings for a guy and they don't even give you the time of day. Or better yet, they give you false hopes of things happening and they never do. I just wish the guy that is doing this to me would realize how I feel, and tell me whether he feels the same or rather just be friends. I rather find out the truth about the situation than be sitting here hoping for more.

Of course I could ask him, but I don't have enough "balls" to do so. All because asking him might ruin some plans already made. OH...There's the "false hopes" thing again. If anyone has any advice on what to do please feel free to comment. I'm open for any and all suggestions.